A DAY IN THE ER....


Yesterday I spent most of the night in the ER. Lots of pain in my belly and back...seriously, I felt like I was having labor pains...NO, I am NOT pregnant (and they proved that with not one but TWO pregnancy tests last night!). First we went to the med-center...they gave me a happy shot in my buttock (which wasn't so happy since it BURNED, and didn't really do much for the pain), said I probably had a kidney stone (oh joy!) and sent me down for x-rays. X-rays showed.......nothing! So then they decided I needed to be seen in the ER for a possible cyst on my ovary. Told us we should get an ultrasound to have a look-see. Ok, I can handle that!

Get down to the ER, check in, get in a room...by this time, I am squirming in pain AND my anxiety levels are at an all time high (I haven't been down to that hospital since Trenton died there). They give me some lovely Diladid (great stuff, HORRIBLE after effects!), and order a CT scan (um? Wasn't that supposed to be an ultrasound? NOPE!). Apparently, only 5-10% of kidney stones are seen through x-ray, so they want to "double-check" that I don't actually have a kidney stone...plus they can see if there are any cysts as well. So, off to CT scan.

Now, mind you, this is stuff that we had to deal with when Trenton was in the hospital...scan after scan after scan to try to find out the problem. So, I'm used to this, just not used to it being ME!

After the CT, they bring me back to my "room" (oh yeah, forgot to mention that my room was a gurney in the hallway!) and about an hour later the doc comes over...nothing on CT. By this time, my pain is back (the Diladid must have been diluted!) so the doctor says lets do an internal exam (oh JOY!). After the GYN exam, and the doctor ripping apart my insides (I swear he pulled out my uterus!), I was put in an ACTUAL room (yay!) and the put in an IV and gave me more Diladid (oh yeah, that's the STUFF!). This time it went RIGHT to the heart of the problem, and I was pain FREE baby! Then the doc comes in and says, well couldn't find anything on that exam (and oh by the way heres your uterus back!), so we're going to do an ultrasound (wasn't that why I was here in the first place?? CaCHING!) to see if you have a twisted ovary (oh, that sounds LOVELY!). So down to ultrasound, where (surprise!) they find nothing...except MAYBE, just a slight might, my IUD could be out of place! Sigh....

So 7 1/2 hours later, we trudge home. By this time, my stomach is SOOO upset, I go straight to the bathroom and rid my self of that nice (mean!) drug that they gave me. After that, I was straight to bed....see ya in the AM!

My Hurting heart....


It's been almost two months since we've held Trenton in our arms, since we've held him in our arms, heard his laugh, seen his smile. Almost two months since we've been exasperated enough to yell at him, frustrated enough to send him to his room. I miss all of it. I would give anything to have him here, anything to have him getting into trouble, anything to hear his laugh, see his smile, hear his cry, hold him, comfort him, hear him, touch him, see him....ANYTHING!

Preston keeps telling me he hears someone calling his name. Could it be Trenton? I don't know, but seriously almost every day, Preston will get really quiet, and then we'll usually have this conversation:

Preston: You hear that, Mom? Mom...MOM!?!?

Me: Hold on, let me put my ears (hearing aids) in....OK, hear what?

Preston: That!

Me: What's "that"?

Preston: Someone's calling my name!

Me: I don't hear anything (as I'm turning my volume up to see if I can actually hear anything), you sure it's YOUR name they're calling?

Preston: Yes! There it is again! I should go see who it is!

Me: STOP! You are not going outside right now! (mainly cause mom doesn't want to get out of her pj's!) You're probably hearing things!

Preston: Nuh uh!

Me: Uh huh

Preston: Nuh uh!!!!

Ok, you get the drift...So, either I should be worried about the voices in my son's head, envious that he gets to hear Trenton, or I should get my hearing aids checked, cause maybe there IS someone outside calling for Preston (since this is happening almost everyday!)

I'm having a hard time sleeping. Either I can't GET to sleep, or once I get to sleep, I can't STAY asleep. Either way, I rarely dream. When I do, it's crazy, out of this world dreams that don't make sense. But not ONCE since Trenton died have I dreamt about him. I would love it if I could dream about him, so I could SEE him. It would be something at least.

The kids are off of school now for the summer, and I am racking my brain for fun, cheap, and easy things to do with them. Something that doesn't take a lot of energy, because there is very little of that these days. So far, I've come up with the beach, the park, and our front yard. Yeah, that's it. That's the best I can do right now! So, if anyone has any ideas, feel free to share!


Now, the hubby is home, and it's time for me to go get my nails did...until next time kids!

ANYONE KNOW HOW TO WORK THIS THING?!?!


Ok, bear with me for a while, because until I understand more about how to work with my new blog...it's gonna be VERY plain! I have NO idea what I'm doing...I just type and click on Publish post...that's it right? No, I didn't think so. There are so many fun blogs out there (Mary) but they have help I think (Mary!) and I don't...so it will be a bit of a process!

So today I am EXHAUSTED! It was class zoo trip day...and it was PACKED! Apparently it was class zoo trip day for ALL of West Michigan (and surrounding areas!) and there were many times I was elbowing my way through groups to find my boy! Preston was so filled with energy, it was like chasing after TEN of him! Seriously! My feet hurt from walking, my eyes hurt from straining to find the stupid animals that were to lazy to move just enough to show us there whereabouts, and I'm pretty sure my face is sunburned! But, aside from the "Where's Waldo" at each exhibit, we had a good time! But I'm taking tomorrow off!

A BEDTIME STORY? IT'S LONG ENOUGH, BUT I DON'T RECOMMEND IT!


I've started this as a place to "air my dirty laundry" if you will. Actually its more like a place that I can go to bitch about how crappy life is! I probably won't post everyday, hell, I probably won't post once a week! But it gives me a sounding board about life. Let me give you a run down on my so called crappy life...

I am married to a (mostly) wonderful man, who (mostly) treats me like a queen. I am the mother of three boys; Brendon, 11; Preston, 5; and Trenton, Forever 4. Brendon is at that awkward age where he's too old to be a child, but too young to be an adult. He thinks he is smarter than his parents (and after TRYING to help him with his homework, he's not that far off!), is way to cocky for his own good, but has a heart of gold. Preston is going in to Kindergarten next year and thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread...seriously, he is the AWESOMEST (at least according to him!). He is sneaky, slick, and sweet as can be. Trenton passed away a couple months ago after a horrible tragic accident. He is an angel, a hero, and greatly missed. My husband and I have been married for a bit over 6 years and it's been a very ROCKY journey, which I'm getting too next. We fight, we makeup, we fight, we makeup again. That's just how it is with us...although we have some PRETTY long stretches of good, but when it's bad, it's not pretty (but the making up part is SUPER fun!).


Ok, so let me rewind a few years. We were married in 2003. Brendon was a wee 4 year old, who walked me down the aisle, sweet as can be. Shortly after we were married, we found out we were pregnant (and NO we did not get married BECAUSE I was pregnant!). November of the same year we were married, Preston was born. He was healthy, he was adorable, he was early. Not early enough to keep him in the hospital, but early enough that he was teeny tiny (actually he was my BIGGEST baby, at a whopping 6#4oz!).

Fast forward a few months...we find out we're prego AGAIN! Preston is still an infant, demanding all of my time. February of 2005, Trenton was born. He was even earlier, and even smaller, but again, not small enough to keep in the hospital. BUT, this is where the rockiest part of our journey begins...you ready? Cause it's a LONG story! While in the maternity ward nursery (do they even CALL it the maternity ward anymore??? Whatever!), the doctors found that Tmonkey had a heart murmur, a very loud, very obvious heart murmur. We went through the whole rigamaroll of talking with Specialists etc. We were told that it would be monitored, but they weren't going to do anything at that time. Got discharged, went home, two days later, Trenton is admitted to the NICU for hyperbilirubinemia (hah! Say that 10 times fast!). Turns out he has a rare liver disease called Alagille's Syndrome. The next four years would turn out to be the longest of our life!

In those four years Trenton has gone through the following:

1 - liver transplant
3 - open heart surgeries
2 - abdominal surgeries (excluding the transplant)
Countless - hospital admissions
millions - pokes, prods, etc.
dozens - minor surgerical procedures (including broviacs, ports, etc.)
15 or 20 - meds taken on a regular basis

Yeah, in four years, for a little one to through? Crazy! Some people don't see that much "action" in a life time!

~~~~~~~~~~~~The following is not for the faint of heart~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fast forward now to April of 2009, when my worst nightmare turned into real life. My biggest fear has always been losing a child. My worst fear happened on April 11, 2009. It was the day before Easter, and we were getting Easter Baskets ready for the next day. The boys were all playing in the bedroom. And from this point on, things happened so fast, I honestly don't know the exact order of events. Brendon was screaming, Preston was crying and I was running. Trenton had falled out of the window and landed two stories below on the concrete driveway. He was breathing, barely. At the hospital, the next day, he was declared brain dead...the fall was just too much, his brain had swelled and cut off all circulation to his brain...which resulted in him getting no oxygen. He was prounced at 10:32 am on April 12, 2009. BUT, he went down a HERO. He had received the gift of life...a new liver...when he was just 9 months old. Trenton was able to repay that favor by donating his kidneys to two different reciepients (an adult male in New York, and an adult female in Michigan). He lives on through them, and I hope that one day I can meet the lives he saved with his gift of life.

The days following Trenton's death have blurred together. The week of the funeral is a gray area that honestly don't remember much of. Between the medication that was given to me, and the emotional upheavel of our lives, it doesn't surprise me in the least. After that week, things are almost too vivid in my mind. Coming home to a house that doesn't feel like home anymore, caring for my kids when I know I am one short, talking to neighbors, friends and family and answering the same question over and over (the answer: I'm ok (although I really wasn't!)). Our lives will never be normal, there will always be something missing, but for the sake of my other boys, I have to keep pushing through life and make the most of what is left.


~~~~~~~~~Ok, done now, you can come back!~~~~~~~~~~~

Life has it's ups and downs, there is NO doubt about that. It just seems that my life has more downs than ups, but I'm learning to cope with that. I came across a quote today that fit me so perfectly well, I actually gasped when I read it. It's something that HAS truly crossed my mind, along with "am I grieving right?":

"Most of my tears are private ones. I sometimes wonder what people think when they see me apparently coping quite well-that I am heartless and unfeeling? Then I say to myself: The ones who know me know that is not true. The ones who don't can think what they like".

So, in a nutshell, that's my life. Now I promise, not all my posts will be sad or depressing. I really do have a bit of a sense of humor (I can make myself laugh, that means something right?!?!?) and I've been told I have a way with words. For the last four years I have documented every bit of Trenton's life up to and including his death. It wasn't easy, both the writing of and the dealing with, but I did it! Now it's time to document MY life, MY emotions, MY feelings. It's ME ME ME time baby!