My Hurting heart....


It's been almost two months since we've held Trenton in our arms, since we've held him in our arms, heard his laugh, seen his smile. Almost two months since we've been exasperated enough to yell at him, frustrated enough to send him to his room. I miss all of it. I would give anything to have him here, anything to have him getting into trouble, anything to hear his laugh, see his smile, hear his cry, hold him, comfort him, hear him, touch him, see him....ANYTHING!

Preston keeps telling me he hears someone calling his name. Could it be Trenton? I don't know, but seriously almost every day, Preston will get really quiet, and then we'll usually have this conversation:

Preston: You hear that, Mom? Mom...MOM!?!?

Me: Hold on, let me put my ears (hearing aids) in....OK, hear what?

Preston: That!

Me: What's "that"?

Preston: Someone's calling my name!

Me: I don't hear anything (as I'm turning my volume up to see if I can actually hear anything), you sure it's YOUR name they're calling?

Preston: Yes! There it is again! I should go see who it is!

Me: STOP! You are not going outside right now! (mainly cause mom doesn't want to get out of her pj's!) You're probably hearing things!

Preston: Nuh uh!

Me: Uh huh

Preston: Nuh uh!!!!

Ok, you get the drift...So, either I should be worried about the voices in my son's head, envious that he gets to hear Trenton, or I should get my hearing aids checked, cause maybe there IS someone outside calling for Preston (since this is happening almost everyday!)

I'm having a hard time sleeping. Either I can't GET to sleep, or once I get to sleep, I can't STAY asleep. Either way, I rarely dream. When I do, it's crazy, out of this world dreams that don't make sense. But not ONCE since Trenton died have I dreamt about him. I would love it if I could dream about him, so I could SEE him. It would be something at least.

The kids are off of school now for the summer, and I am racking my brain for fun, cheap, and easy things to do with them. Something that doesn't take a lot of energy, because there is very little of that these days. So far, I've come up with the beach, the park, and our front yard. Yeah, that's it. That's the best I can do right now! So, if anyone has any ideas, feel free to share!


Now, the hubby is home, and it's time for me to go get my nails did...until next time kids!