A BEDTIME STORY? IT'S LONG ENOUGH, BUT I DON'T RECOMMEND IT!


I've started this as a place to "air my dirty laundry" if you will. Actually its more like a place that I can go to bitch about how crappy life is! I probably won't post everyday, hell, I probably won't post once a week! But it gives me a sounding board about life. Let me give you a run down on my so called crappy life...

I am married to a (mostly) wonderful man, who (mostly) treats me like a queen. I am the mother of three boys; Brendon, 11; Preston, 5; and Trenton, Forever 4. Brendon is at that awkward age where he's too old to be a child, but too young to be an adult. He thinks he is smarter than his parents (and after TRYING to help him with his homework, he's not that far off!), is way to cocky for his own good, but has a heart of gold. Preston is going in to Kindergarten next year and thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread...seriously, he is the AWESOMEST (at least according to him!). He is sneaky, slick, and sweet as can be. Trenton passed away a couple months ago after a horrible tragic accident. He is an angel, a hero, and greatly missed. My husband and I have been married for a bit over 6 years and it's been a very ROCKY journey, which I'm getting too next. We fight, we makeup, we fight, we makeup again. That's just how it is with us...although we have some PRETTY long stretches of good, but when it's bad, it's not pretty (but the making up part is SUPER fun!).


Ok, so let me rewind a few years. We were married in 2003. Brendon was a wee 4 year old, who walked me down the aisle, sweet as can be. Shortly after we were married, we found out we were pregnant (and NO we did not get married BECAUSE I was pregnant!). November of the same year we were married, Preston was born. He was healthy, he was adorable, he was early. Not early enough to keep him in the hospital, but early enough that he was teeny tiny (actually he was my BIGGEST baby, at a whopping 6#4oz!).

Fast forward a few months...we find out we're prego AGAIN! Preston is still an infant, demanding all of my time. February of 2005, Trenton was born. He was even earlier, and even smaller, but again, not small enough to keep in the hospital. BUT, this is where the rockiest part of our journey begins...you ready? Cause it's a LONG story! While in the maternity ward nursery (do they even CALL it the maternity ward anymore??? Whatever!), the doctors found that Tmonkey had a heart murmur, a very loud, very obvious heart murmur. We went through the whole rigamaroll of talking with Specialists etc. We were told that it would be monitored, but they weren't going to do anything at that time. Got discharged, went home, two days later, Trenton is admitted to the NICU for hyperbilirubinemia (hah! Say that 10 times fast!). Turns out he has a rare liver disease called Alagille's Syndrome. The next four years would turn out to be the longest of our life!

In those four years Trenton has gone through the following:

1 - liver transplant
3 - open heart surgeries
2 - abdominal surgeries (excluding the transplant)
Countless - hospital admissions
millions - pokes, prods, etc.
dozens - minor surgerical procedures (including broviacs, ports, etc.)
15 or 20 - meds taken on a regular basis

Yeah, in four years, for a little one to through? Crazy! Some people don't see that much "action" in a life time!

~~~~~~~~~~~~The following is not for the faint of heart~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fast forward now to April of 2009, when my worst nightmare turned into real life. My biggest fear has always been losing a child. My worst fear happened on April 11, 2009. It was the day before Easter, and we were getting Easter Baskets ready for the next day. The boys were all playing in the bedroom. And from this point on, things happened so fast, I honestly don't know the exact order of events. Brendon was screaming, Preston was crying and I was running. Trenton had falled out of the window and landed two stories below on the concrete driveway. He was breathing, barely. At the hospital, the next day, he was declared brain dead...the fall was just too much, his brain had swelled and cut off all circulation to his brain...which resulted in him getting no oxygen. He was prounced at 10:32 am on April 12, 2009. BUT, he went down a HERO. He had received the gift of life...a new liver...when he was just 9 months old. Trenton was able to repay that favor by donating his kidneys to two different reciepients (an adult male in New York, and an adult female in Michigan). He lives on through them, and I hope that one day I can meet the lives he saved with his gift of life.

The days following Trenton's death have blurred together. The week of the funeral is a gray area that honestly don't remember much of. Between the medication that was given to me, and the emotional upheavel of our lives, it doesn't surprise me in the least. After that week, things are almost too vivid in my mind. Coming home to a house that doesn't feel like home anymore, caring for my kids when I know I am one short, talking to neighbors, friends and family and answering the same question over and over (the answer: I'm ok (although I really wasn't!)). Our lives will never be normal, there will always be something missing, but for the sake of my other boys, I have to keep pushing through life and make the most of what is left.


~~~~~~~~~Ok, done now, you can come back!~~~~~~~~~~~

Life has it's ups and downs, there is NO doubt about that. It just seems that my life has more downs than ups, but I'm learning to cope with that. I came across a quote today that fit me so perfectly well, I actually gasped when I read it. It's something that HAS truly crossed my mind, along with "am I grieving right?":

"Most of my tears are private ones. I sometimes wonder what people think when they see me apparently coping quite well-that I am heartless and unfeeling? Then I say to myself: The ones who know me know that is not true. The ones who don't can think what they like".

So, in a nutshell, that's my life. Now I promise, not all my posts will be sad or depressing. I really do have a bit of a sense of humor (I can make myself laugh, that means something right?!?!?) and I've been told I have a way with words. For the last four years I have documented every bit of Trenton's life up to and including his death. It wasn't easy, both the writing of and the dealing with, but I did it! Now it's time to document MY life, MY emotions, MY feelings. It's ME ME ME time baby!